Clarity and Clarification

I was planning on taking the high road and not publicizing events in my private life. Circumstances have, unfortunately, prevailed that I think call for clarification. Fair warning: this is long, unfocused and rambling.

It’s clear to me now that we each had a different understanding of loveSo, now I am divorced again. Third divorce. Second wife. Quite the track record I’m building. When I was younger, I divorced my first wife when we hit a difficult patch. Afterward, I thought that maybe we were too hasty in our divorce and listened to outside forces rather than our own hearts and we got back together again and remarried. Then we divorced again. At the time, it seemed the only way to save myself from a future of pain and regret, but since then, I have tried looking at marriage from a biblical perspective and I think I probably should have worked harder at making that marriage work. But since it was already said and done, and I had found a new wife, I didn’t dwell on it for too long. When I found my second wife, I thought I had found the one. We complimented each other well and made a good team since we held (I thought) the same values and had similar backgrounds. Unfortunately this was not the case as she turned out to be a master manipulator and so my second wife left me…several times. I think it all boils down to having unrealistic expectations. Of course, society is working overtime building everyone with unrealistic expectations. This last time my wife left, I was understandably upset, so when she texted me that she was leaving, I told her to stay there. Then she posted an accusatory screed on her blog. I have excerpted the relevant passages and I added some commentary in rebuttal that appear in italics.

He said, “Stay there. I’m done.”

And so I did.

It hurts. I decided to stay. But, he didn’t ask me to come back.

In fact, didn’t hear from him for 3 days.

Actually, I texted you twice right before I texted you to stay there. The first text was asking for you to wait until we could talk about the problem. You ignored that request. You never replied to either of them and you did not reply to my text to stay there. The ball was in your court. Every day yuou refused to contact me only served to harden my heart more.

But, when I did, I said, “I want a divorce.”

Well, that wasn’t the first time you’ve said that.

I am doing this to protect my heart and soul.

From not feeling

Loved

If you didn’t feel loved, it was not for my lack of showing it. You clearly don’t know what love is.

Appreciated

I always made the effort to show how much I appreciated, honored and cared for you. But no one ever feels it is enough. You certainly didn’t.

Honored

Cared for

I wanted to be a priority over

You were the driving force in every decision I made. You were always the priority.

Money

Providing for our financial security and future is a man’s responsibility.

Love of self

There is that “narcissism” complaint again. That I am self-actualized and know what I want and how to get it is not self-love. Even though, it has long been said that before you can love someone else, you must first love yourself. Perhaps it is your own self loathing that has worked against us for all this time.

I wanted it to work, I really did

Only long enough to pay off your debts, then it was a day to day evaluation of whether or not you would leave. You even told me that by saying you would stay as long as the good outweighs the bad.

I wouldn’t have given it so many chances

For 10 years

If you’re counting all the times you left or threatened to leave, then manipulated me into taking you back

Not going to spend the rest of my life

Trying to fix you

If you loved me when you married me, then I didn’t need fixing. The fact that you thought I did is the real indicator of your problem. If you really thought I needed fixing, you should never have married me.

While destroying myself

You were destroying yourself, but not over me. You were too frustrated that you could not be a housewife and that I expected you to get and keep a job worthy of your degrees that I supported you getting.

I’m done….I leave it to someone else and God.

And then she said that she forgives me! Isn’t that rich?

She forgives me.

After she leaves without a word, taking the dog and half the savings account and all the emergency savings, she forgives me.

After threatening me with taking half the house equity and half my 401K, she forgives me.

After being rude and mean when she came to get her stuff despite my being overly accommodating, she forgives me.

After posting passive-aggressive bashing memes on social media that paint me in a very unflattering light and calling me narcissistic, she forgives me.

After falsely accusing me of abuse, she forgives me.

After making me feel unappreciated, unloved, and unattractive for years, she forgives me.

After leaving me twice before—once to explore her feelings for another man—and promising me that she wouldn’t leave again and then leaving again, she forgives me.

After being rude and disrespectful toward me for years by chastising my budgeting, demanding I prioritize her debts and accusing me of selfishness; after quitting her good paying job in a career I helped underwrite by supporting and helping pay for her Master’s degree and student loans; after making me feel that I was unreasonable in thinking she should contribute to the household finances, SHE FORGIVES ME!

I doubt I can adequately express my feelings on this subject.

I don’t really know what the final straw was that made her leave, but so be it. It does take two to build a marriage and it takes two to end one. If the only things for which I am at fault are that I failed to live up to her expectations, then I’ll own that. I will get over this. I know this. I am getting used to living alone again. I am getting used to cooking for one again. I have always been comfortable going to movies, or dinner, or even out alone, so that is no problem. So my future is wide open and I no longer have to worry about planning it around someone else. It is just so disappointing to know I will never celebrate a 20-year anniversary; or any anniversary for that matter. Clearly I am not meant to be married, so I get to be the cantankerous old man who lives quite fine on his own. I have always been independent, so I will continue doing that.

She texted me the week of the hearing to find out when the hearing was happening. I asked why she was so concerned and she said she wanted to file some paperwork under her old name. I happened to find out that she had already found a new boyfriend, started dating and was planning a weekend away with him, so perhaps she wanted to know when the divorce would be final so she could sleep with him with a clear conscience as a legally single woman. I don’t know and at this point, it is irrelevant. Clearly, she wasn’t morning the loss of our marriage at all, so her claims about being hurt were obviously a piece of scripted drama, wherein she lies to herself to feel better about her bad decisions.

I’m better off without her. I’m better off without mood swings that force me to walk on eggshells. I’m better off without having to cancel plans I want to do because someone changes her mind. I’m better off without someone who wants to contribute nothing more to a marriage than to simply be there and be taken care of. I’m better off not having to question if a quiet mood is just quiet, hurt, angry or melancholy.

It’s clear to me now that we each had a different understanding of love

Of commitment

Of value

Of honor

Of worth

Of responsibility

Of what it takes to make a relationship work.

She clearly never loved me in the way that I understand a woman should love a man

It’s clear to me now that all she really wanted from me was financial support

It’s clear to me now that she wanted me to provide everything for her and sacrifice everything for her

It’s clear to me now that she didn’t understand that a man needs to feel loved in return

That a man needs to feel needed in return

That a man needs to be wanted in return.

It’s clear to me now that she never understood me or the depth of my love.

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2 Comments

Filed under Personal

2 responses to “Clarity and Clarification

  1. I’m so sorry to read this, Dave. You have my sympathies and prayers. I always enjoyed your company at our crit group meetings and hope you’ll be able to get back to writing your stories soon. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lindsey

    As someone who has faced a divorce because of lack of communication, lack of being on the same page, and other things we faced, my heart breaks. It takes two in a marriage. I learned a lot after my divorce. I learned more about myself though. I learned things I needed to work on. I saw the negative and darkness that I spent so many years trying to hide from myself. I learned that we are raised with these Princess stories, aka false reality. It’s sad when women can’t appreciate a man and when he is trying. It takes communication and with out that, it will fail. This is not the 50’s. It is a equal share both people must put into it. I might be considered an odd ball but a man should be treated as a King by his Queen. Viva versa too. It’s easy to point the finger and blame. Maybe some people should really learn what a narcissist is. That would mean looking in the mirror at themselves and that apparently is just too hard to do for some people.

    Liked by 1 person

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